Good ceremonies make happier and better human beings
and a more civilised society.

The Story
I would like to begin by telling you a story.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with dreadful stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him something really nutritious. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he has probably had another hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his own stress worse.
Most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week. Do so lovingly and with enthusiasm and seek to satisfy his every desire fully."
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home in the car, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
And she replied: "You're going to die".

- - - - - -
It is up to us
I have told you this story for a purpose. There are some things in life, if we do them, they happen. If we don't do them, they won't happen.
There is an historical theory among academics of this field that events happen when they are ready to happen — and if one person doesn't do them, as it were, someone else will.
They would say that if Lionel Murphy hadn't instituted Marriage Celebrants in Australia in 1973 someone else would have.
I don't believe it. I want to put what I believe is the challenge facing us today. I believe that if you don't take it up, maybe no one will. I believe that good ceremonies make happier and better human beings and result in a more civilised society. But a society can have bad ceremonies or hardly any at all

Is this really necessary??
But just a minute. Are ceremonies worth anything really? What am I doing up here wasting your time and money.
I had a client who ordered that when he died his body be placed in a plastic bag and despatched to the crematorium without ceremony. He did not want to put his family through the trauma of a funeral ceremony. It was not necessary. In his opinion it was positively harmful.
Are not ceremonies a bit of classic hocus pocus, the residue of past superstitions, the trappings of religions we no longer practise, a clinging to the past, or an expression of New Age superficiality.
Aren't ceremonies just for maladjusted people who somehow want to invoke the spook world to get the edge on other people?
Surely plain straight sane normal rational people do not need these kind of props.

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 1. Do we really need ceremony?

I will admit the following statement
A society can continue without an organised ceremonial structure, but my proposition today is that it will be a society which lacks an essential civilising element.

And I will defend the following proposition
Good ceremonies mean happier and better people and a more civilised society.

Ceremonies in General
I am using the terms Ritual and Ceremony interchangeably — though ceremony as I refer to it has a substantial element of the changeable and the creative.

What do I mean by Good ?
A good ceremony, in my opinion, has a number of distinguishing features.

1. Respect for Tradition — The BBC Theme for the news has been the same for about thirty years. When the BBC sought to change it there was a world wide outcry! There are some things which don't have to change. Some rituals give us a link to the past.
Woody Allen - in the film Deconstructing Harry accused his sister of returning to Jewish traditional practices because she wanted, he said, a feeling of stability.
What people love about church ceremonies is tradition, elements which have stayed the same for centuries.(A range of non-religious readings are now starting to develop recognition as classics - after only 25 years e.g. a child learns what she lives.)

2. Process - it is essential that a certain lead time be given to ceremonies so that all the natural psychological and cultural links can fall into place - so that there is "think time" so that a conscious and subconscious awareness builds up about what is happening. My grand-daughter is turning five on July 8 and she has been talking about it for months. This has the effect of allowing the person to absorb all the good vibrations to enter their being.

3. Preparation - this is different to "process" in that it is a clear intentional planning and rehearsing of all the details. It involves thinking, creating, choosing, composing, consulting, refining and rehearsing. Part of an adolescence ceremony a colleague of mine orchestrated was the choosing of the possession he was to leave behind in childhood and the items he was to take into the teenage years. The young man put his Teddy Bear in the childhood box and his Walkman and his skateboard in the Teenage Box.

4. Creativity - to keep ceremonies alive, relevant , honest and authentic, the words and values must be expressed as the participants want to believe and express them. The particular ceremony may want to honour the cultural background of the main players. e.g. if a Jew married a Chinese the ceremony may contain the smashing of the glass and the tea ceremony.
This, by the way, was another Murphy stroke of genius. The input of the participants especially in words, symbols and music was to be personal and individual in every civil ceremony. They were to have complete freedom of choice.

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 2. To dramatise ceremonies

5. Poetry and prose - It surprises me that poetry has the power that it does. When I read Christopher Brennan's Because she would ask me why I loved Her

The seek not, Sweet
the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die
For I must love
Because I live
And life in me
is what you give.

or A. A. Milne
so a good ceremony has the best poetry and prose possible, read in best manner possible. One of the delights of being a celebrants is that we are one of the few people in society paid to read poetry in public.

6. Music and Song

7. Choreography Dance: we lack this in Western Culture but it has been done.

8 Architecture - here we miss out a bit. The churches have buildings architecturally evolved over centuries which are made for ceremonies.
But in Melbourne places have emerged for civil celebrants. A few decommissioned churches, the Monash Religious Centre, The Grand Ballroom at the Windsor Hotel, the George Ballroom A national trust place in St Kilda and inner Melbourne suburb
The chapel at the Hilton Hotel
The Bay Window room at the Butleeigh Wootton a reception centre.
Melbourne is also famous for it Parks and Gardens
Queens Hall at Parliament House
The chapel or the Main Hall at Montsalvat - a 1030's artist colony buildings
What is noticeable is that when we first started most of our wedding were done in home lounge rooms or back gardens. Not so now. It is a very rare experience for me to officiate at a home wedding.

9. Backdrop and surrounds — Vases of flowers on pedestals,
Beautiful cloths on tables,
Lovely candles on striking candelabras,
red carpets,
ribbons on seats,
stained glass windows looking out on beautiful fountains and gardens
Dress

10. The performing and visual arts should be appreciated at every level -
Symbolism
Poetry and Prose — remembering the parents or putting up their photos with a candle (Erika and Phil)

11. Ceremonial theatre: all the elements should come together with a fluidity, a continuity, a refined smoothness and a restrained drama which is appropriate to the occasion and which is pleasing to the eye and ear.
The mistakes here are too little or too much. As Aristotle said: Virtus in medio stat. . The elements all should come together e.g. in this particular religious group which I assisted they had spotlights. The spotlight in a darkened room at one stage went from the bride and groom to the presiding mistress of ceremonies to the various readers and singers. I remember one beautiful young woman at a lectern suddenly bathed in spotlight, who brought a lump to the throat as she read from the Song of Songs

"I am the Rose of Sharon
I am the Little of the Valley. . ."

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 3. The more pleasing

12. The creation of Time Apart - special time, a sense of occasion

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 4. Elements of the Arts

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 5. The Fox

"What is a Rite?" asked the Little Prince
"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox.
"They are what make one day different from other days
one hour from other hours."

And we do all this because we want to make a memory , we want to move the emotions so that long term psychological and cultural effects will follow.

Good ritual and bad ritual
But Ceremonies and Rituals can be counter productive, they can be bad. Last Sunday as I jogged around the Melbourne Cricket Ground I listened to a program called Encounter on the ABC (Australian Broadcasting Commission). It was about The marches of Northern Ireland. Stirring things marches, stirring music march music. But from I have read and I heard on that program they are Rituals which entrench hate and prejudice. The commemorate cruel military victory of one group of humans beings over another. The Battle of the Boyne took place on July 1 1690. 35,000 Protestants defeated 21,000 Catholics. Not very impressive when you think about it. Protestant and Catholic are not distinctions I have taken into account for 30 years so I am not taking sides but I think the Ritual is provocative and bad. If I was the Pooh bah of Northern Ireland I think I would organise a March wherein Orange and green went arm in arm and I would have the best bands and the best music, bigger and better and more stirring, and I would proclaim the opposite. I would, I hope, say "Sorry" to anyone my ancestors had wronged. to
2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

What do I mean by Ceremony

family and personal
PERSONAL WORLD
Marriage - the flagship ceremony on which society depends
Sub ceremonies - Betrothals, Hens, Bucks, Kitchen Teas
Homosexuals: Commitment/Marriage

Namings
Funerals
Birthdays but special Birthdays - 18, 21, 30, 40 ,50 60, 70, 80,
Cycles of Seven Birthdays -7, 14, 21, 28, 35, 42, 49
Civil Confirmation/Bar Mitzvah/Adolescence
Divorce
House Dedications
Naturalisations/Citizenships
Change of Name
Dedicating a garden or other place

Examples:
Gary Foley and Suzie Brown
Daniel Blums
Jeanette's Hens' Party
Pam Adams' 49th
Julie Ruth's 40th
DRM's 60th
Ted Logan's change

WORK WORLD
Opening of Business, Retirement, Redundancy, Leaving (farewells), Major Change e.g. closing a branch
Knorr/Hurley Opening

ACADEMIC WORLD
Graduations

Public celebration/grief
Port Arthur Massacre
Black Hawk Helicopter smash

Seasonal/Annual communal cultural celebrations
Equinox
Solstices (Post Christians and Humanists friends of mine celebrated this recently)
Mother's Day
Anzac Day
Australia Day

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY-6. (2 glasses) On important occasions

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 7. Some examples of Ritual

What do I mean by Better and Happier human beings?
The story of Roger Pryke. He gave me so much and I visited him recently. he is now 76 has a new girlfriend and I bet he's taking Viagra. A most wonderful lecturer who made an enormous impression on me.
Sanity comes from the esteem of significant others.
Sanity is facing reality

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 8. van Gennep's effects.

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY-9. Ceremonies & Ritual are necessary

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY-10. Some effects of Ceremony Dep

Ceremonies create mental stability and inner peace, a sense of self worth and self esteem and psychological balance
It is the psychotherapists, and in my case the lectures of Roger Pryke, who tell us that sanity depends on the esteem of significant others.
I caught up with Jeanette, one of my brides if I dare put it that ways, and asked her feelings looking back on her wedding. She told me that the wonderful experience for her was the hens night. All her girlfriends gathered round, they all made a speech and they all gave her a gift. It was done in a ritualistic way and she told me that it was the first time in her life she realised that her friends really loved her , appreciated her, and thought of her as a very special person in their lives. We can express love in ceremonies that we can do in no other way.
I want to tell you about my daughters and one daughter in particular. Being children of celebrant and daughters of a mother who was an ardent feminist they have little regard for the worth of ceremony. The marriage ceremony of the husband after me was described as 'just a bit of paper". When their former school started Debutante Balls (a Rite of Passage!) they were horrified. But when one of my daughters came to Graduate after her degree, some eight months after she received a letter in the mail saying she had passed, that she found it a very emotional and moving experience. It was only through the ceremony that she felt recognised and admired for her years of hard work. It was only through the ceremony that society told her she had a new status, and that she now enjoyed the social esteem which comes form a measurable achievement.

What do I mean by a more civilised Society
The anthropologists tells us that man is first defined as civilised when he began to bury his dead.
Respect for the Institution of Marriage by how we treat it in the culture
Ceremonies result in civilised Behaviour
It was the renowned anthropological scholar Joseph Campbell who said that the level of ceremonies in a particular society equates to the standard of social behaviour and the level of crime.

The more ceremonies, the less crime.

I saw my own example of this in Siena. The de Medici's . The de Medici Fortress still does not occur on the Tourist Map of Siena. It dominates the city and the countryside for hundreds of kilometres. Any one during the de Medici domination who involved themselves in politics was summarily executed so the Sienese put all their social efforts into cultural; and communal development - a complicated structure of ceremonies and rituals processions which reach their pinnacle in the Pallio an amazing horse race which takes place on the perimeter of the Piazza del Campo said by some to the most beautiful city space in Europe.
The city is divided in contradas, or mini suburbs with their own museum traditions churches, and communal meeting
The cultural development of Siena has no equal anywhere else in the civilised world. Everyone feels connected, feels they belong feels the have a traditions, and a family and a community. No Sienese would ever bring shame on their contrada by committing a crime. Only the tourists do that. Civilised behaviour is the norm. Siena is the most crime free city in Europe.

The challenge to us as Celebrants: The Cultural Vacuum

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 11. Functions of Ritual/Ceremony

Church attendance have been in dramatic decline for some time. This has left a vast cultural vacuum.

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 12. Declared Secular People

OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY- 13. % weddings/Clergy Total

Ceremonies give us a sense of self worth, make us aware of the achievements and worth of others, connects us with the community and the world. This results in refined and restrained and thoughtful behaviour we define as civilised.

The celebrant contributes to civilised behaviour.

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WEDDINGS
OVERHEAD TRANSPARENCY-12. John Denver

Weddings are the flagship ceremony of any culture.

From “Now We Are Six”
So wherever I am, there’s always Pooh,
There’s always Pooh and Me.
‘What would I do?’ I said to Pooh,
‘If it wasn’t for you,’ and Pooh said: ‘True,
It isn’t much fun for One, but Two
Can stick together,’ says Pooh, says he.
‘That’s how it is,’ says Pooh, says he.
‘That’s how it is,’ says Pooh.

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her
If questioning would make us wise
No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.

For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
to thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?

Then seek not, sweet, the “If” and “Why”
I love you now until I die:
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

Christopher Brennan

As D. H. Lawrence wrote
And man and woman are like the earth, that brings forth flowers,
in Summer, and love, but underneath is rock.
Older than flowers, older than ferns, old than foramaniferae
Older than plasm altogether is the soul of man underneath
And when, throughout all the wild orgasms of love
Slowly a gem forms, in the ancient, one-more-molten rocks
of two human hearts, two ancient rocks, a man’s heart and a woman’s
That is the crystal of peace, the slow hard jewel of trust,
the gem of mutual peace emerging from the wild chaos of love.”

Dally Messenger
at Queens College
University of Melbourne

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